


Gotta Be Human First

by regionals



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Therapy, compulsory heterosexuality, josh gets around i guess, kind of, oof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-06 01:32:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17336153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regionals/pseuds/regionals
Summary: “isn’t that what society says we should do? force ourselves to date women, even if we feel otherwise?” josh likes a few tweets, keeping his eyes glued to the screen.“i guess, but isn’t that just sad? isn’t it sad if you have to force yourself to date someone because society or your parents or whoever else thinks you should? it just doesn’t seem worth it to me.”





	Gotta Be Human First

**Author's Note:**

  * For [edy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/edy/gifts).



> during the hiatus i was into iasip pretty hard and read a lot of content w dee and compulsory heterosexuality and dee reynolds is fucking gay
> 
> then edy answered an ask on tungle awhile back about josh and compulsory heterosexuality and i was like god damn it  
> anyways it spawned this hdfhsd ive been working on it for a few months
> 
> hhhuhhh it doesnt like GO IN on the compulsory heterosexuality but like its a recurring theme ig? hghrsdfsdkb  
> im sleepy just take it before i back out of posting it yall

there’s something bitter on josh’s tongue as he watches tyler flirt with the barista at the starbucks they’re in.

the barista is a man.

josh doesn’t think of himself as homophobic, but there’s something sour growing in his chest, and he doesn’t know how to label it. it feels like jealousy, but he boots that idea out of the door almost as soon as he thinks it. his hands are cold and shaking a little bit and he feels himself getting mad, for some reason.

tyler smirks at the barista and leans forward and the barista blushes like a middle schooler and josh grits his teeth as he watches tyler write his number onto a napkin with a sharpie, before folding it up an handing it to the barista. tyler looks so proud of himself and josh doesn’t know why he feels so fucking bitter about it.

*

tyler sits on josh’s bed, which is just a mattress shoved into the corner of a bedroom, while he watches his friend go to town on the punching bag in the corner of his room. he likes to tease josh, and he can’t help it when he says, “maybe if you just gave it a shot, you might like dating another man.”

josh punctuates his response with punches landing on the punching bag. “i’m not _gay_. i like _girls_.”

“you act like it would be the worst thing in the world if you figured out that you’re gay.”

josh lands one punch that’s especially hard on the punching bag before whirling around. “why are you so _stuck_ on the idea that i’m _gay?_ i’ve never slept with another man and i’ve never had a burning desire to do so. the very _thought_ of it makes me _sick._ i’m not attracted to men. my parents would have a fucking fit if i was anyways, so, _drop it._ _”_

“gay people make you sick?”

“oh, shut _up._ that’s not what i meant.”

*

the thought does make him sick.

after tyler leaves the apartment for the night, since he has plans to go to a few nightclubs with his friends, friends that josh isn’t familiar with, he pulls up a tab in an incognito window, and goes to one of his usual porn sites.

he sees the option up in the corner to switch from straight porn to gay porn, and for the fuck of it, and out of curiosity, and for no underlying reasons at all, he clicks on the gay option. once the page loads, he clicks on the first video that doesn’t look super high budget.

they’re cute, he supposes. he feels his stomach churning and he shifts awkwardly as the smaller of the two, who looks a lot like tyler (not that it’s relevant, but he’s not blind) gently slides his hand down the other man’s chest and into his underwear.

the video seems so soft and fragile and josh ignores the way his dick seems to respond to the tyler doppelganger pulling the top’s dick, which is long and hard and _dripping,_ out of the briefs he’s wearing.

there does come a point, though, where he can’t ignore his erection. that point comes a few minutes later as tyler’s doppelganger is straddling the top’s hips, and guiding the cock into his ass. josh’s hands shake as he presses alt and the left arrow keys on his laptop until he’s on the front page of the porn website.

he clicks on a video with a pretty and tanned blonde woman getting railed over the back of a couch, and forces himself to get off to it. it feels wrong and gross and he lies to himself and blames the feeling on the first video he’d been watching.

*

tyler stands a little too close to josh while they’re making dinner one night. he stands behind him, and lets his body brush against his whenever he has to reach around him or move around the kitchen to grab whatever ingredient comes next in homemade tacos.

josh feels like he’s doing it on purpose, then tells himself that it’s just wishful thinking, and after telling himself _that,_ he frowns and uses a little too much force in stirring the pan of beef that he’s frying, not caring that he’s getting bits of oil on himself, thinking of it as a punishment, for whatever reason.

*

josh tags along with tyler to a gay bar.

tyler gives him some sob story about how he wants his best friend to be there, about how he needs a designated driver, and about how josh needs to shake it up once in awhile, and as they’re entering into the second hour of tyler trying to convince him, josh gives in.

it takes three beers and four shots of fireball before josh is able to handle someone hitting on him. the guy that hits on him is handsome. he’s tall and skinny and pretty and charming in this sort of geeky white guy kind of way, and josh, being the light weight he is, can’t find it in himself to care. he laughs and blushes and he feels good about himself.

he gets a kiss on the cheek and a phone number written onto an old receipt tucked into the back pocket of his jeans.

*

josh doesn’t throw away the phone number. he saves it in his phone under, _‘guy from gay bar,’_ and throws the receipt into the top drawer on his dresser, which is reserved for junk, or shit that he has in his pockets that he doesn’t want to deal with.

*

josh ends up in the gay bar again, this time sans tyler.

he doesn’t get nearly as drunk, but he does take a few shots of vodka before letting someone lead him into one of the bathrooms. he finds himself shoved against the door of a stall, with another man on his knees below him, sucking him off.

he doesn’t think about how the guy sort of looks like his best friend, doesn’t think about how he’s totally gorgeous, and he doesn’t think about how, when he’s coming, it’s possibly the best orgasm he’s ever had. he just tucks himself back into his jeans, and goes back to the bar to order a few more shots before calling a cab and going home.

*

josh allows himself to wonder if he’s gay for a month or two following the drunken blowjob he’d received, at least until he meets someone.

a girl someone.

tyler doesn’t like her, and josh wasn’t really expecting him to. he doesn’t dislike her as much as he’s disliked some of his past girlfriends, though, so he counts that as a win, at least.

*

“i just don’t get why you don’t like ashley. she’s totally cool.”

tyler rolls his eyes, and flicks ashes off the end of his cigarette. “she looks like a ramona flowers wannabe. i just don’t get why _you_ keep dating these fucking manic pixie dream girls. first it was debby, and now it’s ashley.”

“what kind of girl could i date that would make you happy? hm?” josh cocks an eyebrow at him. “she’s nice. shouldn’t that be enough for you?”

tyler doesn’t answer him, but the sour look on his face intensifies, and josh sighs loudly at it.

“are you jealous? is that why you’re pissy?”

“i’m not _jealous_ of her, or you. i just don’t think she’s a good fit for you.”

“you suck sometimes. i hope you know that.” josh elbows him.

tyler flips him off.

*

josh decides that he’s not gay.

he decides this after a few months of dating ashley, and a few months of getting laid regularly. she’s nice enough and the sex isn’t bad, and he hasn’t received any complaints, and in his head, he thinks that makes it safe to say that he’s _not_ gay.

*

they don’t make it to the six month mark.

josh knows it’s an issue that he has, that he always puts tyler first, and there’s a night where he has to choose between staying home and watching the new episode of the walking dead with tyler, and going out on a date with ashley.

he picks tyler, they get into a fight, and that fight leads to a breakup.

josh isn’t that bothered by it, and tyler just pats him on the back and says, “she was an asshole anyways,” before unpausing the show.

*

josh seeks jenna out for some relationship and life advice.

“josh, have you ever…” jenna’s stirring a pot on her stove, one containing sugar and blueberries, since she’s making blueberry jam for a recipe she wanted to try, as she asks josh, her loyal culinary test subject, a question. she sighs before continuing. “have you ever stopped to consider that maybe the reason things never work out between you and all of the girls you try dating… maybe the reason for that is because you’re in love with tyler?” she tucks a lock of her hair behind her ear, and doesn’t say anything else as josh is thinking of a response to her.

he doesn’t take too long to think. he’s considered the idea a few times, mostly late at night when he’s drunk, but he still says, “i’m not in love with tyler,” anyways. “it’s not my fault that my girlfriends can’t understand the fact that he’s my best friend, and that he’s always going to come first in my life.”

“i’m not trying to tell you how you feel, but that really sounds like he’s your boyfriend, and not your best friend. i understand that sometimes he needs to come first, because… he’s a sensitive guy, and he needs support sometimes, but when you’re in a committed relationship with someone… your best friend shouldn’t constantly be your priority. the two of you are my best friends, but that doesn’t mean i’m going to drop _my_ girlfriend on her ass as soon as one of you sneezes just so i can come over and offer you a tissue.” jenna shrugs, and uses a frosting spatula to scoop the blueberry-sugar mixture over the top of a cheesecake that she’d been slaving over.

“i’m not gay, jenna. i’ve never wanted to fuck him before.” josh feels like he’s lying, and it takes everything in him not to punch himself in the leg or something at the feeling as it uncurls in his gut.

“being gay doesn’t always come down to whether or not you want to fuck someone,” she points out. “i mean, i’m the biggest dyke you’re ever going to meet, but i don’t particularly enjoy eating pussy. when i fall in love with people, though, i fall in love with women. not men. anyways… i’ll get out of your hair over the tyler stuff, because i need to pop this bad boy into my fridge for a few hours, and after that, i want you to tell me how it tastes.”

*

“jenna told me i should talk to you,” tyler says, standing in the doorway of josh’s bedroom, as josh is typing up an email to one of his coworkers.

josh knows what tyler’s talking about, and he’s not surprised, but he still plays dumb anyways. “what does she want you to talk to me about?”

tyler enters the bedroom, and closes the door behind him, as if to give either of them some privacy, despite the fact that they live there together, alone. he walks across josh’s mattress, until he can plop down next to him, pulling his knees to his chest to take up as little space as possible. “don’t get mad at me, or her, but she’s… concerned about you.”

“that doesn’t answer my question,” he mutters, not looking up from his laptop. he’s almost done with the email, and wants to get it out of the way, since tyler seems to want to have one of those three hour long _talks_ about life.

“she thinks you’re gay, and that you’re refusing to acknowledge it or accept it. also, i’m not trying to tease you right now, and she wasn’t either. like… it’s fun to tease you about it, sometimes, but, man… if you need to talk about it, i’m totally here for you.”

“would it really be so bad if i was straight?” josh presses enter twice on his laptop, and types up the last paragraph of the email, before typing his electronic signature, and hitting send.

“no, it wouldn’t be. it’s just… if you’re not, it’s cool, i don’t care, but i just know that when i was in the closet, struggling to accept it, i honestly would have loved to have someone willing to answer any questions, or to give me advice, or even hold my hand through coming out, y’know? even if you’re questioning it, or _want_ to question it, or whatever, i’m totally willing to answer any questions.”

josh opens a new tab, and goes to twitter, still refusing to look at tyler. “i suppose i can indulge you.” acting _aloof_ is josh’s first defense. “how did _you_ figure out you were gay?”

“i heard someone talking about how crushes felt sometime in high school, and realized that i don’t feel that way about girls, but that i _do_ feel that way about men. that led to a few years of denial before i met my first boyfriend and realized that being miserable and in denial wasn’t worth it. like… why should i force myself to be in relationships with women who i will never love, when i can be in a happy and healthy and loving relationship with a man, y’know?”

“isn’t that what society says we should do? force ourselves to date women, even if we feel otherwise?” josh likes a few tweets, keeping his eyes glued to the screen.

“i guess, but isn’t that just sad? isn’t it sad if you have to _force_ yourself to date someone because society or your parents or whoever else thinks you should? it just doesn’t seem worth it to me.”

“even if i _was_ gay, tyler, i don’t think i would be strong enough to just accept myself overnight.” josh shrugs, and he sighs before closing his laptop, and sliding it onto the floor. he still doesn’t look at tyler, but rather at his hands, which are held, palms up, in his lap. “stuff like this isn’t easy for me. i can’t just throw everything i know about myself away just to experiment and question things.”

“it’s not easy for everyone, man. we both grew up in super religious and conservative environments. no one expects this to be easy for you. if you’re gay, that is. i’m not saying that you are.”

“this is one of those talks where you’re not going to make fun of me, or bring it up later when we fight about something, right?”

tyler nods. “yeah, man. i mean, i know we can get pretty nasty with each other when we’re pissed about something, but, if it’s cool, whatever we say here, in this room, right now, stays here, and we don’t have to talk about it later if you don’t want to.”

josh nods, and he’s quiet for awhile. tyler eventually reaches over to squeezes his shoulder, and to rub his upper back, not saying anything either.

“i know that there’s nothing wrong with being gay, and i’m not—i’m not homophobic, at least not intentionally, but whenever i think about myself in… certain situations, it makes me feel sick, and i don’t know why, or what kind of _sick_ it is.”

“could it be anxiety? i used to get that super bad at first when i was trying to figure it out, the sick thing. even the thought of kissing another dude set me on edge, man. i even had a phase where i dated a bunch of girls, trying to find the right one, but then i met my first boyfriend and he kind of, like… showed me that it’s okay to be gay, which sounds stupid, because i’m such an ‘in your face’ kind of guy when it comes to being gay, but… y’know.”

“i don’t think it sounds stupid.” josh shrugs. “i don’t know. it could be anxiety. or maybe i’m just a raging homophobe.”

“if you were homophobic, would you really be letting me rub your back right now?”

josh snorts, and giggles a little bit. “probably not, honestly.”

“backtracking a little bit… if you ever want to experiment with guys… you don’t have to do it all at once, man. i mean, i saw you flirting with that one guy at the gay bar awhile back. flirting like that once in awhile and maybe… occasionally doing a little more than that and stepping out of your comfort zone could… y’know, be a place to start.”

“i had to be drunk to let him flirt with me like that, tyler. at this rate, i’ll have to drink a fifth of vodka just to kiss a dude.” josh scrubs at his left eye, feeling himself tearing up a little bit.

“i mean, getting drunk to kiss a dude isn’t healthy, bro,” tyler comments.

“no shit.” josh rolls his eyes. “i wish it didn’t bother me so much.”

“do you think that maybe it’s one of those things where once you _do it_ and kiss another dude, or something like that, you’ll get over the fear?”

“probably, but i can’t just go kiss some guy, tyler.” josh gives him a helpless look.

“why not? kissing another dude doesn’t necessarily make you gay, y’know.”

“i don’t have an answer that doesn’t sound stupid, or that wouldn’t sound stupid to someone like you.”

tyler’s expression shifts into the one he always gets whenever he has an idea. “what if i kissed you?”

josh wishes that his first reaction was to laugh, but in reality, he feels the tips of his ears starting to burn. “how would that even…? like, who would lead?”

tyler shrugs. “i don’t know. if me kissing you would help you get over that fear, i’m totally down. it doesn’t have to mean anything or turn into something else.”

josh doesn’t flinch away when tyler reaches up to tuck a lock of his curly brown hair, which he _really_ needs to get cut, behind his ear. “think you could do it before i puss out of it?”

“are you sure…?” tyler’s hand doesn’t move away. instead, it rests on josh’s cheek, and josh leans into it a little bit. he reasons with himself, that it’s tyler, _tyler,_ and that he doesn’t have to be scared or uncomfortable around him. “i don’t want to make you uncomfortable, man.”

“just do it.”

and tyler does it.

josh feels his heart in his throat.

tyler starts with a fairly quick peck on the lips, and josh thinks that he’s going to pull away after, that he’s going to leave it at a peck on the lips, but tyler surprises him by kissing him again. the second kiss is longer and a litle more firm, and josh leans into it a little bit.

as tyler kisses him, he wonders why he’s been so _scared._ he does factor in the fact that tyler’s his best friend and has been his best friend for the better half of a decade now, and that he trusts him.

josh lets his mind shut off as they continue kissing. he doesn’t think about it when one of his hands winds up on the back of tyler’s neck, gently pulling him closer, nor does he think about it when he finds himself sitting in tyler’s lap.

and, yeah, they make out, and josh can admit that he doesn’t hate it.

he feels pathetic for how desperately he’s kissing tyler, and how he grips the front of his friend’s t-shirt. tyler doesn’t comment on it, though, and once josh is detached from him, sitting a few feet away, head spinning, tyler asks, “how was it?”

tyler’s lips are redder than they usually are and his cheeks are dusted a rosy shade of pink.

josh keeps his answer vague. “i didn’t hate it.”

*

making out with tyler was fun, josh supposes, but he doesn’t think he’s in love with the dude. they don’t talk about their little make out session, and josh is kind of glad. tyler acts like it didn’t happen, and that’s honestly all josh could ask for from him.

*

josh can’t stop looking at tyler’s lips.

he can’t stop looking at his lips, and when he sees tyler having a moment with his current beau, kissing him in the arch that leads to the kitchen in their apartment, he has a fleeting thought of, _“i wish that were me.”_

he digs his fingers into his thigh until it hurts too much for him to bear it, and he tries not to have an anxiety attack as he goes back to watching an episode of the office. (ironically enough, it’s the one where michael kisses oscar.)

*

tyler’s boyfriend is a douchebag, josh learns.

or ex boyfriend.

the dude breaks up with him a few days before valentine’s and josh finds himself feeling oddly _happy_ about it when he’s engaging in some platonic comfort cuddling with tyler.

“i went so far out of my way, and i even made a reservation at a _very_ nice restaurant, only for him to fucking _dump_ me.” tyler’s crying into josh’s chest, and josh just shushes him and holds him tighter.

“if you don’t want your reservation to go to waste, we could make it a bro-date,” he suggests. josh knows that if he wasn’t a coward (for lack of a better word) he would’ve just asked tyler out on an actual date.

but he’s not gay.

and he’s definitely not in love with tyler.

so he doesn’t do that.

tyler still laughs, though, and props himself up to look down at josh with a stupid grin on his face. “i’d love to go on a bro-date with you. for the record, i think you’d make a _great_ boyfriend; definitely a step above that last asshole i was dating.”

josh smiles back at him, and mentally stomps on the light, fluffy feeling that erupts in his chest.

*

the reservation tyler made is at a fairly nice restaurant. it’s not too expensive, at least not to josh, who has a nice, white collar corporate kind of job, but it’s still a little more expensive than he’s typically willing to spring for.

they have a nice dinner. they make small talk, and if it wasn’t for the fact that josh was sure to specify that this _wasn_ _’t_ a date, he’d say that it was, y’know, a pretty solid date.

they share a few glasses of wine and josh winds up sleeping in tyler’s bed that night.

*

josh runs into the guy from the gay bar, the one who’d given him his number, scribbled onto the back of an old receipt, while he’s picking up a sandwich at a deli before work, since he forgot to pack himself a lunch.

they bump into each other in the checkout lane, and josh feels his heart drop into his ass.

in the bar, the man’s hair had been a mess and he’d been in a pair of skinny jeans and a tank top, and josh was pretty sure he was wearing eyeliner and glittery eyeshadow, but right now, he’s in a suit and his hair is slicked back.

josh recognizes him, and pretends that he doesn’t, at least until he’s being stopped outside of the store by the man. “hey, i’m so sorry if i’m being weird, man, but didn’t i give you my number at a bar awhile back?”

josh swallows a few times and he pats himself on the back when he doesn’t no-homo his way out of it. “i think so, yeah. um. i’m so sorry i didn’t call. i’ve been having some problems in my personal life, and if i’m being honest, i kind of forgot.” he smiles a little awkwardly and scratches the back of his neck with the hand that’s not gripping the handle of his grocery bag like a vice.

“oh, dude, it’s totally cool. again, i’m so sorry if i’m being weird, but, ah… would you like to go out on a date sometime? it’s just—you’re cute, and i haven’t—i haven’t gone on an actual date in… well, in a long time.”

“you know what, man?” josh swallows again, and mentally says _fuck it_ before continuing. “that’d be great. do you want me to give you my number, in case i forget again?”

the man smiles and nods quickly. “hell yeah, i’d love that.”

*

josh needs to talk to someone about the date he has planned with cute bar guy (whose name, as he’d learned, is dallon) but he decides that both tyler and jenna are out of the question, which is why he finds himself lying with his head dangling off of debby’s couch, and his legs thrown over the back of it as she’s picking something to watch on netflix.

“why are you here, if not to confess that you’ve been in love with me this entire time?” she’s being sarcastic, and it makes josh laugh.

“would you be offended if i said i needed relationship advice?” he taps his fingers on his chest a little bit, and looks up at her.

“a little bit,” she jokes. “what’s troubling you?”

“i have a date with someone.”

“and…?”

“it’s a guy someone.”

debby doesn’t look entirely surprised, and josh figures out why when she responds. “is it tyler?”

“god, no. it’s not him.” josh rolls his eyes. “part of why i wanted to talk to you is because you _aren_ _’t_ tyler. i just feel like he’s going to tease me about it, and i know you won’t, but i also know you’re not going to want to have some huge, deep conversation with me either, so…” he shrugs.

“why did you need to talk to me, then?”

“because i’m scared.”

“why?” she raises an eyebrow at him.

“i’ve never really done anything with another guy before. i’ve kissed _one_ guy, but i’ve never gone on a date with one, or done anything romantic with one either, and it’s just… scary.” he can feel his anxiety digging its claws into his shoulders.

“don’t make a huge deal out of it. just go on the date, and if it goes well enough that you want to go on another one, then go on another one,” she says, as if it’s that simple. “i’m not going to label you or try telling you that you’re gay or anything, but i’ve dated a few gay guys before, and i’ve dated plenty of straight guys, and you bear a _striking_ resemblence to some of the closeted gay guys that i’ve dated.”

“how so?”

“you’re just… when we were dating, you weren’t nearly as invested as i was. it was kind of like there was a glass wall between us that i couldn’t get past, and i wasn’t even that hurt when you broke up with me, because it’s like… you don’t love me, not romantically. platonically, it’s a whole other story, of course. and—and when we’d _fuck_ _—_ it wasn’t bad by any means, but it… it felt impersonal. all of that is how i’ve felt with the few closeted gay guys i’ve dated, so…” she shrugs. “again, i’m not trying to label you or anything, because that’s up to you to decide.”

josh grunts, and winds up frowning up at her ceiling for the next five minutes or so before moving the conversation on to a different topic.

*

the date isn’t anything serious or fancy, and josh finds himself relieved by it.

dallon had texted him, and asked him what sort of date he’d like to go on, and when josh requests something low key, something that isn’t overwhelming, his request is fulfilled.

he’s given an address, and is told that the dress code is pajamas casual.

when he’s getting ready to the leave the apartment, wearing a pair of leggings he’d swiped from tyler that have spiderman faces all over them and an old _rush_ t-shirt, tyler questions him.

“where are you going, dressed like that?”

josh shifts back and forth, fidgeting with his car keys, before saying, “i have a date.” it’s simple and vague.

“what the hell kind of date requires you to steal my spiderman leggings?” tyler’s not mad. he’s laughing, and seems more or less curious.

“just… something casual, honestly.” he shrugs, and walks past tyler to grab his sweatshirt from where it hangs on the coat rack. “i met someone, and that someone told me the dress code was ‘pajamas casual,’ so that’s how i’m dressing.”

“all i request is that you don’t fuck someone in my leggings.”

josh scoffs. “that’s not happening.”

*

they watch a horror movie in dallon’s living room, and josh tries his best to pretend that he doesn’t have weird intimacy issues when it comes to him and other men.

or, dallon watches the horror movie, and josh occasionally peeks at it from behind his hands.

as a scream filters out from the tinny speakers on the tv, josh asks, “why would you pick a horror movie for the first date, man?”

“i picked it under the assumption that you would cower into my arms, and i could hold you and white knight myself,” he deadpans.

josh would be lying if he said he wasn’t at least mildly charmed by that. he laughs a little bit, and shakes his head. “if you wanted to cuddle, all you had to do was ask.”

dallon holds his arm out, giving josh an expectant look, as if he were daring him to cuddle with him.

josh feels a pit in his stomach, feels on edge, but he tells himself to get over it before he’s leaning into dallon’s arms. he can’t bring himself to regret it, either. dallon’s warm and josh is positive he’s overthinking it, but he’s warm and _safe_ and he doesn’t complain when josh hides his face in his bicep every time there’s something scary on the screen.

*

josh feels alive when he’s walking into the apartment after the date. it wasn’t a life changing date and he doesn’t feel like a new person, and there’s still subtle traces of anxiety eating away at his insides, but the date doesn’t leave him feeling disappointed.

until now, he’s never realized how disappointing dates have always been for him. tyler notices the change in his attitude, too.

tyler’s on the couch, eating from a tupperware container of raw cookie dough with a spoon, and when he notices that josh doesn’t seem to be in a bad mood, he asks, “she must be special if you aren’t looking all exhausted.”

josh shifts back and forth in the doorway for a few moments, debating on whether or not he should tell tyler the truth about his date, that he’d spent his evening watching a horror movie and cuddling with and maybe kissing a cute accountant. he winds up settling on, “yeah, she’s pretty awesome,” as he’s closing the door, feeling shame build up in his chest, even if tyler would be the last person to judge him.

*

“what are romantic feelings supposed to feel like?” josh asks tyler about half way through a road trip from columbus to detroit, which is where they have plans to go to a hockey game.

he’s gone on a few more dates with dallon at this point in time, and he finds himself feeling something he’s never felt before. he feels hesitance in, well, _feeling,_ and he’s afraid to just let himself _feel_ anything for the man. he figures talking to tyler would be a good place to start.

“overrated,” tyler grumbles.

josh snorts and shakes his head. “can we be serious right now? i love your sarcastic answers, but, uh… it’s not what i’m angling for right now.”

“overwhelming and scary but also awesome and happy and all gooey inside, which makes no sense now that the words have left my mouth. why do you ask?”

josh shrugs. “i’m just wondering.”

“does this have anything to do with that girl you’ve been seeing that you refuse to introduce me to?”

he shrugs again. “maybe. it’s just—i don’t think we’re star crossed lovers, or anything like that, but sometimes i see… _her,_ and i just kind of… feel nice. with my past, uh, girlfriends—with them, if one of them walked into a room, i wouldn’t feel anything, but with this person—if this person walks into a room, or if i see this person, i feel kind of… happy?” josh frowns a little bit. “i feel like that sounds stupid.”

“i don’t think it does. that’s how i felt when i had my first boyfriend. with all the girlfriends i had in high school, and during the first few years of undergrad, i never felt anything for them. like, in that place where i should’ve felt something, i just felt a pit in my stomach, but once i was in a relationship with someone i actually had the capacity to love, that pit was filled with, like… some corny bullshit, basically. i think it’s good, if this _person_ is making you feel like that.” tyler gives him a knowing look.

josh ignores the look, and winds up changing the subject to something else.

*

“can i ask why you always get cold feet whenever i feel like we’re about to… _do stuff?_ not that i don’t enjoy cuddling and kissing, because i really do, man, but i just feel like… every time the subject of sex, or doing anything sexual comes up, you’re… weird about it.”

josh is kneeling on dallon’s mattress, in a t-shirt and a pair of shorts, and he’d be lying if he said this man didn’t look almost holy right now. he’s skinny and lanky and doesn’t have a ton of muscle, and he stores his fat in weird places, but he’s just _pretty,_ and he leans into it when josh reaches down to touch his cheek. “i could lie and tell you that i want to wait to have sex, wait until after marriage or some bullshit like that, but…” josh trails off, eyebrows coming together, nibbling at his cheek.

“but you’re not attracted to me?”

“no, no. trust me, it’s not that. it’s just… you’re the first _man_ i’ve ever _really_ done anything with. like i’ve—i kissed my roommate, once, in like january. besides that and a few other drunken encounters with other men… i’ve never… y’know. i feel ashamed to admit that, for some reason.”

dallon’s face flashes with something—realization—and he’s quick to change his entire tune. _“oh,_ shit, man. i’m so sorry. i didn’t—i didn’t, like, _realize_ _…_ god, i feel like a tool.”

“oh, dude, please don’t.” josh sighs, and ends up lying on his side. “i didn’t say anything, because i didn’t—i didn’t want you to treat me weird.”

“i would’ve been a lot more respectful if i knew you were, like… a virgin.”

 _that_ makes josh laugh. “oh, please. i’m the _furthest_ thing from a virgin. i’ve gone through so many girlfriends, man.”

dallon looks a little dumfounded. “oh. so… i’m not just your ‘gay experiment,’ am i?”

“that’s not the mentally i’m going into this with, if that’s what you mean…?” josh gives him a slightly sympathetic look. “you’re super sweet, and super handsome, and i’m treating this about how i would if i was dating a girl, except… you’re not a girl, and i’m stupid and have no idea how to hit on guys. i’m sorry, man. i—i probably should’ve told you that i’ve never… y’know.”

“oh, man, no, it’s cool. it’s totally cool. so… can i ask if you’re gay, or straight, or…?”

“undecided, but probably not straight, from the looks of it.”

*

josh isn’t surprised when he gets dumped a month later. dallon’s cool about it, of course, and josh doesn’t find himself overly offended. dallon wants something serious, and doesn’t want to be someone’s first boyfriend, and josh gets that. josh also explains that he kind of figured it wasn’t going to work out, and despite everything, it’s the start of a pretty solid friendship.

*

josh is a little bummed about getting dumped, and tyler takes an interest in his bad mood.

“you’ve never been this bummed over a girl dumping you before.”

josh sighs, and pinches the bridge of his nose, before going back to wrapping his hand up, since he has a date with his punching bag.

tyler’s on the mattress, in the corner of it, on his phone, watching josh wrap his hands.

“i got dumped by a guy,” he admits as he’s sliding one of his boxing gloves on.

tyler’s eyebrows go up, even if josh doesn’t see it. “you sure got over your shit about being gay awful quick.”

josh turns around and gives him a dirty look. “i got dumped _because_ i’m not over my ‘gay shit.’ he didn’t want to be someone’s first boyfriend, and i can’t blame him for it. now, fuck off, and let me beat the shit out of my punching bag in peace.”

*

things change.

josh notices it as soon as it happens.

it’s not a glaringly obvious change.

tyler’s hands and eyes linger longer than they used to.

josh doesn’t want to curl in on himself and cry every time he expresses any sort of affection towards tyler.

he doesn’t feel afraid to lean into him or to let his head rest on his shoulder while they wait for the bus that runs through their neighborhood to take them downtown.

*

“what’s your ex boyfriend like?” tyler asks, quietly and curiously, as they’re standing in jenna’s living room, waiting for her to finish getting ready, since the three of them have plans to go do something.

“real sweet. he was kind of goofy and nerdy, and good at kissing, too. we’re still friends. he, uh, sends me good morning texts still, and we kinda… talk about stuff, sometimes.” he shrugs. “physically… he’s tall, very tall, and very pretty, i guess.”

tyler nods and doesn’t say anything else.

josh wants to ask him why he’s curious, but he holds back.

*

josh spends a week watching gay porn, and making it a point not to touch himself, no matter how hard he gets, no matter how much he wants to, before he gathers up the courage to approach tyler on the whole subject of gay sex.

it’s late and either of them have had a few too many glasses of wine.

“how does gay sex work?”

“um… can you be more specific?” tyler looks confused.

“it’s like…” josh waves a hand around, before knocking back the rest of his wine. “i’ve watched some videos, and they just… stick it in and go. that looks like it’d hurt.”

“oh, dude, porn is the worst place to get your information from.” tyler cringes. “you don’t just stick it in and go. you’re just _asking_ for a fissure if you do that. it’s like… you gotta work up to it. it took me and my first boyfriend at least two months of working up to it before he was even able to actually get it in me. to be fair, though… he was _hung._ _”_

“you… _bottom?_ _”_

tyler shrugs. “sometimes i do, sometimes i don’t. i’m… versatile, i guess.”

“doesn’t it _hurt?_ _”_ josh looks almost distraught.

“if you don’t know what you’re doing, and if you don’t prep enough, then it _will_ hurt, but if you and your partner know what you’re doing… in my opinion, it’s pretty great.”

josh nods slowly, and before he can stop himself, he finds himself saying, “so, hypothetically, if i wanted to, uh… try doing… _that,_ would, um… would you maybe be willing to… y’know…?” his cheeks are burning and his ears are ringing a little bit and he kind of feels like throwing up, but tyler doesn’t tease him or say anything rude.

tyler has a kind and gentle look on his face. “if you’re asking me if i’d be willing to help you experiment with that sutff… then yeah, i would be.”

“huh. cool.” josh pours himself another glass of wine, and tyler just squeezes his shoulder.

*

tyler gives josh _detailed_ and _thorough_ instructions when it comes to his _hygeine._

josh goes into the conversation eager and a little nervous, and leaves with red cheeks and a painfully obvious hard on at the thought of what’s to come.

*

surprisingly, at least to josh, there isn’t a huge discussion leading up to the whole… _situation._ they’re in tyler’s bedroom, lying down and watching a marathon that amc is doing of _the walking dead,_ which was set to premier a new season a month from that specific day, and josh is arguably _prepared_ to do what he’s dubbed as _it_ with tyler.

they aren’t touching, at least not for the first half of the first episode. josh eventually scoots a little closer to tyler, and turns onto his side, one leg thrown over tyler’s thigh, cuddling him. he kind of wants to throw up, except this time he thinks he’s just nervous, and not about to have an anxiety attack.

tyler glances down at him as he’s getting comfortable, cheek pressed against his chest, but otherwise doesn’t pay a whole lot of attention to him. he does wrap an arm around him, hand resting on his lower back, though.

josh is comfortable, and he feels close to falling asleep, at least until tyler’s fingers are moving, pulling his shirt up a little bit. his fingers are cold and they tickle and make his muscles jump under his skin.

tyler’s hand flattens on josh’s bare back, sliding down a little bit.

josh’s breath hitches. he adjusts his hips.

tyler lets out a sharp breath of his own, and asks, “what is it about _the walking dead_ that gives you a boner?”

josh snorts, and his nervous response is fairly simple. “there’s something about daryl that gets me going.”

“always figured you’d be into twinks.”

josh shrugs a little bit, and gently grasps the hem of tyler’s t-shirt.

“what kind of guys _do_ you like? or, hypothetically, if you’re still being weird and trying to convince me that you’re straight.”

“it’s a little late for that, i think,” josh mumbles. “i don’t know. the only two men i’ve felt myself showing an interest in have been taller than me, and pretty, in this, like, woodland elf kind of way. what about you?”

“muscles and hair are two big ones for me. there’s something about a muscular guy with a lot of body hair that just gets me going.”

“can’t wait for you to see my legs, then.”

tyler snorts and laughs a ltitle bit. “i’ve always had a bit of a friend boner for you, don’t worry,” he teases.

“why not an actual boner?”

“how did you find out about that one?” tyler asks in a tone that’s a little too serious sounding for it to be genuinely serious

“i have my ways.”

that makes tyler smile as he slides his hand down, giving josh’s ass a little squeeze through his leggings. “i admire those ways, joshua.”

josh smiles shyly against his chest and his hand curls around tyler’s hip. his heart is fluttering in his own chest, and he feels almost as if it’s going to beat it’s way right out of his body as tyler is nudging him onto his back after turning the volume down on his tv.

they make eye contact for the first time in at least half an hour and josh doesn’t know what to call the tender feeling that he feels seeping into his bones. there’s something about the look in tyler’s eyes that makes him feel some sort of way.

when tyler kisses him he expects something fast and rough and he’s even anticipating it, but the kiss tyler gives him is so fucking gentle and _soft_ that it makes him ask, “why are you always so gentle with me?” when tyler pulls away.

“do you want my honest answer?” tyler’s hand is on the side of his neck, and slides up until it’s brushing josh’s hair out of his face.

josh nods, and picks at the bed of a fingernail with his thumb.

“it’s because i care about you, man. if i didn’t know you, i’d totally be all rough and want to rush things, but you’re just, like… there’s something about you. also, you’re my best friend, man. of course i’m gonna want to be gentle with you.”

josh wants to punch himself as his brain takes tyler’s words, and throws jenna’s little _suggestion_ in his face. _i am not in love with tyler._

“if you want me to manhandle you, i can do that too.” tyler winks.

josh snorts. “don’t. i like gentle. i think i’d cry if you weren’t gentle with me, honestly.”

“so…” tyler kisses the corner of josh’s mouth before continuing. “what kind of things do you like…?”

“what do you mean?”

“during sex. how do you like being talked to?”

“um… is that—is that what we’re doing?”

“i’d consider it sex. i don’t think penatrative sex is the only form of sex, so, y’know. answer the question, before i say something and ruin the mood.”

“i’ve been with girls who’ve wanted to smack me around and insult me, and stuff like that is a massive boner killer. i think… one of my favorite times—the girl i was with was complimenting me and being real sweet with me, and i, uh… i really liked that.”

“so, you like being praised?”

“that’s one way to put it. if you’re going to do it, don’t—don’t go overboard with it, because then it feels fake, and if it feels fake to me it’s going to turn into another boner killer.” josh can feel himself rambling and instead of picking at his nail beds some more, he reaches over to grip tyler’s shirt, and to pick at the fabric of it.

tyler nods and gives him a reassuring kiss. “nothing but genuine praise from me. i promise.”

they continue kissing after that.

josh lets himself get _really_ into it.

he doesn’t realize it until it’s happening, but tyler makes him feel _safe._ he kisses him like he means it and swears he could spend an eternity kissing tyler if god would let him. he tries not to think about what that _means._ it doesn’t matter.

josh feels nervous and kind of like he’s seventeen again in his first girlfriend’s bedroom, getting ready to have sex for the first time. he feels excited and _young_ and when tyler’s pulling away so he can take josh’s shirt off (along with his own shirt) josh has to take a moment to collect himself.

he’s seen tyler shirtless plenty of times, because they’ve been roommates for over a decade, but it’s different this time. this isn’t an _oops-i-didn_ _’t-mean-to-walk-in-on-you-after-a-shower_ kind of moment.

josh can’t stop himself when he reaches out and touches tyler’s chest. his skin is warm and soft and he lets his fingers drag a little bit as he’s sliding his hand down tyler’s chest, through the fine dusting of hair between his pectorals, stopping just above his belly button.

“i kind of want to apologize for not working out as much as i should,” tyler mumbles as he’s taking josh’s hand, and holding it in his own. “i’m cute and all, but that’s nothing compared to, well…” he nods towards josh’s chest.

“i spend at least twelve hours a week punching a punching bag,” josh mumbles out, reasoning with him. “i think you look nice. i like how you look.”

tyler smiles, looking almost shy, and his next kiss is on josh’s cheek bone.

“we’re doing a lot of kissing, bro. i kind of thought you’d want to just… get to it.”

“it won’t be fun if you aren’t turned on, josh.” tyler rolls his eyes a little bit. “foreplay is important.”

josh sighs and doesn’t hold back from touching tyler’s cheek. “this isn’t going to make our friendship weird, is it?”

tyler shakes his head. “i won’t let it get weird. i promise.”

josh trusts him.

*

to say that tyler shows him a good time is an understatement. josh didn’t know that sex could even feel so _good_ before, but then tyler’s fingering him and muttering praise into his ear and making him feel like a person for the first time in a long time and josh swears he sees paradise.

*

it gets weird.

of course it gets weird.

it’s not _that_ weird, but it’s still weird.

they manage to keep their hands to themselves for a few weeks, and those few weeks kind of feel like the calm before the storm.

he isn’t even sure what leads up to it.

one minute they’re walking down the hall together, getting ready to part ways for the night, and the next, josh finds himself shoved against the wall next to tyler’s bedroom door, being attacked with a rough kiss. he makes a noise in his throat, out of shock, but he acclimates to the kiss fairly quickly.

tyler apologizes for it when he pulls away to catch his breath. he doesn’t move his face too far from josh’s, maybe a few inches, but he still mumbles out, “i’m so sorry, man; i’ve been wanting to do that since we—”

“—it’s okay,” josh cuts him off, “me too.”

it escalates from there, and it only takes five minutes before josh is in tyler’s bed, with tyler going down on him with everything in his skinny, pool noodle body.

*

at first, it’s a sex thing. they get each other off and don’t talk about it, and josh keeps lying to himself and convincing himself that not only does he absolutely _not_ have any feelings for tyler, he’s also _not_ gay, and that it’s totally _just_ a sex thing.

it’s late in november when josh starts to wonder if it’s something more than a sex thing, though.

it’s not unusual for the two of them to spend thanksgiving together.

tyler’s parents don’t talk to him, and josh can’t stand to be around his own family more than absolutely necessary, so the fact that they’re spending that holiday together doesn’t come as a surprise to him.

what comes as a surprise to him is the fact that spending thanksgiving with tyler this year feels almost as if he’s spending thanksgiving with a girlfriend, except tyler isn’t his girlfriend and josh, once again, absolutely does not have any romantic feelings for him whatsoever.

they cuddle on the couch in the living room while they wait for an apple crisp to bake, and they make out while they’re waiting for a pot of potatoes to come to a boil. tyler lingers while josh is stirring another small pan of gravy, sometimes coming up behind him to wrap his arms around his waist, and even if josh feels guilty about it, he can’t help the smile on his face or the fondness in his heart.

*

it’s nearing christmas when josh decides that he probably needs to get a therapist. he’s had at least twenty conversations with various friends, trying to talk through his issues with his sexuality and whatever feelings that he still absolutely does not have for tyler, and after getting nowhere, feeling helpless and lost and like he hardly knows himself anymore, he cracks.

his therapist is nice. she’s meek and nonthreatening and josh doesn’t feel intimidated by her. he has three sessions with her for free, covered by his insurance, and after that he has to cough up the copay.

for now, though, he has an hour long session scheduled early in the year, and when she asks him what he’d like to talk about, he gives her a vague answer. “i’m having some anxiety issues.” it’s not far from the truth, but it’s definitely not the _entire_ truth, and he knows it.

she writes a few words down onto a clipboard, before nodding and asking, “do you have an idea of anything that’s causing your anxiety?”

josh wants to tell her.

and, he does, but not before taking a few minutes to work up to it, and reminding himself that she isn’t going to tell anyone, and that she’s there to help him. “every time i think about it, or say something to anyone, it just sounds stupid, but i… i think i’m gay, and i don’t know why, but i’ve just—i’ve been having a hard time dealing with it, and i just figure—i’ve got this nice, white collar job—i may as well take advantage of my insurance and talk to a freakin’ therapist about it.”

she nods again, and scribbles a few more things down. “i think that’s a very reasonable thing to struggle with. may i ask why you think you’re gay?”

josh huffs, and leans back in his seat. he explains the situation.

it started a few years ago—tyler asks him if he’s gay, and he huffed and puffed about it, and it cracked him up and started this _trend_ of their friend group teasing him and flipping him shit, because he got so defensive about it. he tells her that it got under his skin, because it’s always felt like this huge secret that he’s had to hide from everyone, and himself to an extent, and that now it’s just something that everyone _teases_ him about, and it _bugs_ him.

“if i wasn’t gay, i don’t—i don’t think it would bother me so much. but i—i think i am. it feels like… this is something i take so seriously, to the point that i’ve had disgusting, throwing-up and dry heaving panic attacks over it. it’s just—i hate that part of myself so much, and everyone i know just has an easy time accepting _their_ queerness, and it’s like they expect the same to be true for me, but it’s _not._ i’ve _literally_ thrown up just from thinking about it and working myself up!

“and—and on top of that, i’ve been having this weird, secret sexual thing going on with my best friend, and i don’t know if we’re just—if we’re fuck buddies, or if i’m in love with him or something, or _what,_ but it bothers me, because i just feel like i can’t talk about it. jesus—the first time i even let another man _flirt_ with me, i had to be half past plastered to do it, and people i know just act like it’s this funny little thing to tease me about, and it’s not.”

josh has to wipe at his eyes before he continues, because he’s understandably upset. “my friends mean well, and i know they do, but… i grew up with religious parents, and i’m religious myself—i’ve had it drilled into my brain that being gay is _bad,_ and that if i don’t settle down with the right girl, my life is meaningless.” he takes a few moments to take a few deep breaths. “i wish i could let myself fall in love with men, and whatever else it means to be gay, but it’s just so scary.”

the therapist decides to focus on _tyler._ she asks josh to elaborate on the ‘weird, secret sexual thing,’ that they have going on.

“well… we were talking, and he’s—he’s super gay, and he’s out and proud, and he _knows_ more about how sex between, um, two dudes is supposed to work, so i asked him if he’d be willing to help me experiment with it, which, in hindsight, was a stupid decision on both of our parts, but…

“he agreed to it, and, like, a few weeks later we did some stuff together, and since then it just keeps escalating and we said we weren’t going to let it make things weird, but things are _weird_ now, and it’s kind of _upsetting._ he’s my best friend, and i think—i think i have _feelings_ for him—like, marry me and have kids with me kinds of _feelings_ _—_ _”_ josh has trouble catching his breath as he’s speaking, and his chin and lip are quivering a little bit, because he’s realizing his feelings as he’s speaking them; “—but i don’t think he reciprocates, because he’s only supposed to be helping me; not _dating_ me, or whatever else. and—and until now, i’ve been too afraid to even _admit_ that i have fucking _feelings_ for him!

“on top of all of that—we never _talk_ about it, either, and i’m afraid to talk about it, because i don’t want to lose him. i care about him so much, and not even in a romantic way, not entirely. we’ve been best friends and roommates for eleven years, so… _y_ _’know._ he’s a pretty big part of my life. it would hurt if i lost him because of this.”

she suggests that, maybe, tyler has feelings for him too, because friends don’t usually use each other to get off. (she finds a better way of putting it, of course.)

josh shoots that idea down, because that’s not possible.

she asks him why not.

he can’t find any reasons as to why that can’t be easily countered.

*

josh leaves the appointment with the instructions to just let himself have things, essentially, and to also sit down and have a conversation with tyler regarding their friendship and their feelings.

*

they have the conversation a few weeks later. josh goes into tyler’s bedroom late one night with the intention of hanging out, and he isn’t even _thinking_ about having that conversation, honestly. tyler looks at him, and he looks so tired that it tugs in his heart strings.

tyler pats his bed, the area behind him, and invites josh to come spoon him, saying, “i’m kinda tired and sad. you should use your muscles to comfort me.”

josh smiles softly, and walks up the bed on his knees, before getting under the blankets, and scooting up behind tyler. “is there anything in particular that’s bugging you?” josh asks.

“a little bit.” tyler’s vague about it; he’s vague about everything.

“do you wanna talk about it?”

“i don’t want to upset you, or anything.”

“why would it upset me?”

“because.” tyler wraps his fingers around josh’s hand, which is on his waist. “what are we doing, man?”

“spooning?”

“i mean, outside of spooning, or whatever.” tyler sighs, and melts into it when josh scoots closer. “it was only supposed to be one hook-up, but it’s, like… it’s more than that, or it feels like it is, yet you’re so insistent on the fact that not only are you _not_ gay, but that you don’t have any feelings for me, and i’m gonna be honest—that kind of hurts.”

josh nods, and doesn’t say anything, doesn’t feel _brave_ enough to say anything.

“it’s like… if you don’t like me like that, i want to know, so i can quit waisting my time and hoping for something i’m never going to get.”

“can i—can i ask you for a favor?”

“what is it?” tyler sounds like he _doesn_ _’t_ want to do anything for josh, but he still asks.

“can you… give me a little patience? i know—i know we’ve been doing this weird _thing_ for a long time, and that asking for patience might be a bit much, but… i’m literally in therapy, trying to work through my bullshit with my sexuality and my—and my _feelings_ for you. they’re there, i have them, and they’re very much real, even with as much as i don’t want to have them, and it’s fucking scary.”

“i’m sorry.” tyler brings his arm up to his eyes, to cover them and to maybe rub a few tears off.

“hey, hey,” josh shushes him. “it’s okay, man. i’m not the only person involved in this. any feelings or frustrations you have are totally valid. i can’t expect you to be some sort of magic man in dealing with me and my bullshit. and—and i could humor you, too. my therapist—she thinks that we should _talk_ about what we have going on, like, our feelings and shit, so if you wanna lead that conversation… i’m down, bro.”

“fine. i have _feelings_ for you, and i don’t know what to do about them, because i’m torn between not making you uncomfortable, and making you my boyfriend. your turn. tell me you hate me, or that you can’t be with me because god wants you to marry a girl.”

“if you’re going to be an asshole about it, then we don’t have to have this talk.” josh jerks his knee forward, getting tyler in the back of his own knee. “im in therapy _because_ i want to be with you, but i’m too much of a coward to actually do it without shilling out hundreds of dollars to have someone else tell me to. so. there you go. that’s where i stand.”

“if you know that… then why can’t you do it?”

“because it’s not that easy. maybe to you, being gay, and liking men is easy, but for me, it’s… scary. i’ve had anxiety attacks over it. like, the gross throwing up kind. i can’t unlearn all of this internalized shit on my own. maybe you could, but i can’t, and i think it’s unfair of you to expect me to just magically get over it, especially when you and our entire friend group act like it’s this funny little thing to tease me over. it’s not like that for me. and—and i’m sure i sound pathetic to you, like some self hating _fag,_ but i… that’s—that’s what i am, and it’s not a fucking joke.”

tyler rolls over, and they don’t look each other in the eyes before tyler’s scooting forward, and hugging him. josh is shaking and tyler holds him close to his chest. “i’m sorry,” he whispers. he sounds like he’s on the verge of tears.

josh hugs him back, nice and tight, still shaking. “i wanna be with you. i don’t want to have all these stupid hang ups.”

“i wish you didn’t have them either,” tyler mumbles. “not—not because i want to be with you, even though i do, but because you’re my best friend, man. more than anything i—i want to see you happy. i’m sorry for making fun of you. i feel like an asshole.”

josh shakes his head. he’s crying a little bit now.

tyler holds him and runs his fingers through his hair until he’s done crying.

*

“so, what all did your therapist tell you to do?” tyler asks as he’s getting back into josh’s car with their respective orders from starbucks.

“to talk to you about our feelings, and to let myself have things. i did the first part, and i’m trying my best to do the second part. it’s not easy.”

“we should go on a date. like, an actual date.”

josh makes a noise in his throat. “maybe.”

“if you _really_ don’t want to, we don’t have to, but it doesn’t need to be some huge ordeal. we’ve gone out to dinner before. maybe this time i can just… hold your hand or kiss you a little bit. or, we could do it at the apartment. pop in a movie and cuddle for a few hours, maybe mess around if we’re feeling up for it.”

“despite my emotional problems, i do enjoy getting laid,” josh muses as he takes a sip of his coffee.

tyler smirks a little bit. he reaches over to squeeze josh’s hand.

josh squeezes back.

*

they go on an actual date.

they go to another hockey game the week before josh’s next therapy appointment, and they hold hands while watching the game, and every time tyler comes back with more food or more drinks, he gives josh a kiss on the cheek or nose or lips and josh feels about half his age. he feels like a teenager again. he feels like he’s on his first date. he feels like he’s experiencing some of that youth that he missed out on.

*

“can i blow you?” josh asks, against tyler’s lips.

his therapist said to try to let himself have things.

and he wants to have tyler’s dick.

in his mouth.

they’re home again and it’s almost two in the morning, and tyler has him pulled close as they make out against the wall just inside of the door. it’s sloppy and maybe a little juvenile, josh thinks, but he doesn’t hate it, and when he asks tyler if he can blow him, he feels him smiling against his mouth. “if you want to, then go for it. i’m always down to get my dick sucked.”

josh snorts, and kisses him again. “you’re kind of a dick.”

“and? you’re the one who has a crush on me,” tyler teases. “you apparently like my dicketry.”

josh hums a little bit, and tugs tyler back by the sleeves on his jacket. “we should move this to a bed.”

*

josh blows him.

it’s a little awkward at first. he’s never done this before.

tyler runs his fingers through his hair and he’s _responsive_ and makes the prettiest noises, praises josh and encourages him, and gives him a few pointers here and there.

josh swallows, too, and it makes tyler say, “dude, you didn’t have to swallow.”

“isn’t—aren’t guys supposed to find that hot?”

“it’s hot, it’s hot, but cum kind of tastes like shit.”

“i mean, yours wasn’t that bad.”

that makes tyler laugh, before he’s tucking himself back into his boxers, and motioning josh up on the bed. “get up here. it’s your turn.”

*

josh’s next therapy appointment is the last one that he goes to.

he makes a follow up appointment once he’s done with it, of course, but he calls and cancels it a few days later.

it’s not that he’s suddenly _okay_ with himself, not completely, but it’s more like he has an idea of how to move forward, how to learn to accept himself and to love himself, to love that part of himself that loves men the way he’s supposed to love women.

added, therapy is expensive, and he wants to save that extra free session for if and when he really needs it.

*

“what should i tell people when they ask if i’m seeing someone?” tyler asks.

they’re in the car on the way to a party one of their friends is throwing, tyler’s smoking a cigarette, and josh is doing his best to just drive and not get them killed. “i don’t want to assume anything, but… maybe say that you’re unavailable.”

“what are you going to tell people if they ask?” tyler raises his eyebrows a bit.

“i’ll say that i’m seeing someone.”

tyler reaches over to hold josh’s hand.

josh doesn’t pull away.

*

josh does yank his hand back when tyler tries holding it at the party.

they’re standing in the kitchen, tyler drinking from a cup of cranberry vodka, and josh water, since he’s the designated driver, when tyler does it.

he yanks his hand back, and says, “i don’t—i don’t know if i’m comfortable enough for pda, tyler.”

tyler’s a little tipsy. anyone would be able to tell. “you have to start somewhere, and everyone here is already gay, or one of the other letters,” he whispers.

“and i’m telling you, i’m _not_ out to anyone but _you,_ and i’m not comfortable, so _no._ i don’t want to hold your hand right now. i don’t care if everyone here is fucking gay. i don’t feel comfortable—or safe—so, again, _no._ i’m allowed to say no.”

tyler looks hurt, and like he wants to say something back to josh, but he refrains.

*

josh doesn’t plan on coming out to anyone in his family.

at least until jordan comes over, and sits josh down at the dining table, and takes his hands in his own, and says, “josh, i’m bi, and i have a boyfriend. i wanted you to hear it from me before finding out through facebook, or something.” he’s being a little sarcastic, and josh can tell that he doesn’t give a shit what josh thinks, but josh can appreciate the courtesy.

“would this be a bad time to tell you that i’m gay and unofficially dating my roommate?”

“i mean, _no._ _”_ jordan lets go of his hands. “what do you mean by ‘unofficially?’”

“i mean that we’re not, like, _explicitly_ together, but if anyone were to ask, i’d say that i’m seeing someone, i guess. don’t tell mom or dad.”

“dude, _fuck_ mom and dad. as long as you keep your mouth shut about me, i’ll keep my mouth shut about you.”

they shake on it.

*

“so, jordan knows i’m gay.”

they’re waiting for jenna to meet them in the parking lot of her apartment building.

josh is shivering next to his car and tyler’s smoking. “what did he have to say about it?”

“he wasn’t surprised, mostly because i told him i was, um, kind of seeing _you,_ and also, i mean… he came over in the first place to tell me _he_ had a boyfriend. so.” josh shrugs. “jenna needs to hurry up. i’m fucking cold.”

“does the gay thing run in the family?”

josh snorts. “he’s not gay.”

“bi?”

“yeah.”

“that’s fair. jordan always gave me a bit of a vibe.”

josh scoffs and elbows him. “shut up. you would’ve had no idea unless i told you, and we both know it.”

tyler sticks his tongue out at him.

*

josh tells jenna next.

he wasn’t planning on telling her, but she catches him and tyler having a moment.

she’s cool about it.

“are you two… together?” her eyebrow is quirked a little bit, and she’s holding her hands up a bit, as to not get food coloring on her blouse. (she’d been cutting through her living room to grab something, and walked in on the two of them sharing a kiss and a few shy smiles.)

tyler’s the first to say anything. he drawls out a dumb, “um…”

josh says, “i mean… yeah. i guess.”

“huh.” she nods for a few moments, then shrugs, and continues speed walking to where she was going.

*

“i feel like… it’s getting easier,” josh tells him.

tyler looks over his shoulder at him.

josh is sitting cross-legged on the end of tyler’s bed, and tyler’s on his stomach, on his phone. “what’s getting easier, josh?”

“the whole… being gay thing. being with you. telling people. i still… feel embarrassed about it, sometimes, but it’s been easier lately.”

tyler nods, and rolls onto his back. he spreads his legs a little bit, and motions for josh to come closer. “i understand that. it took me awhile to get used to it, to get used to telling people and whatnot, but eventually it became easier.”

josh comes to lie between tyler’s legs. it’s not sexual, not really. sure, they’re in their underwear, but it feels more or less intimate and josh enjoys it. he likes being close to tyler. “it’s taking longer than i want it to, but i’m just—i’m in a sweet spot right now. i’m between being super closeted and in denial, to out and proud, you feel?”

tyler draws circles into josh’s back with his fingers. “i feel. i’m—i’m sorry about getting impatient sometimes.”

josh shakes his head. “it’s okay. sometimes i need the push, honestly. it’ll take me awhile, but i think—i think i’ll get there eventually. i’m in the process of changing and it’s difficult and taking so freakin’ long.”

“i’m proud of you, man. i mean, we’ve been roommates for so long, but i’ve noticed a shift in your mood. you seem happier, i guess. you’ve been punching your punching bag less than usual.”

josh snorts. “i haven’t felt angry, lately, or like i’ve needed to hit it. i dunno. i think part of it has to do with the fact that i’m in an emotionally fulfilling relationship for the first time in… my life, probably. i mean, i did have that _thing_ with that one guy, but that wasn’t—that wasn’t _that_ serious.”

“so—we _are_ in a relationship?”

“we sleep in the same bed most nights, we eat almost all our meals together, and we have sex on a regular basis. i think that means we’re together. plus all the emotional bullshit, but still.”

“sick. fun fact—when i first met you, i was determined to make you fall in love with me, and i see that my charm is finally working after twelve years.”

josh snorts. “jenna asked me that, if i was in love with you, and if that’s why shit wasn’t working out with any of the girls i tried dating.”

“yeah? what’d you tell her?”

“i shot her down and told her that she was wrong as fuck. i think, like, right after that was when i met ashley. so i just kind of shoved my feelings for you onto the back burner and made myself date a girl. in case you haven’t noticed, i’m, ah, a bit of a dumbass.”

“maybe, but you’re cute. you’d be surprised and how much you can get away with just from being cute.”

josh grunts, smacks his lips a few times, and lets himself. “i don’t know if you wanted to fuck, but i’m warm and you’re comfortable, so i’m sleeping.”

“i suppose i can live without dick for one night.”

*

jenna has questions.

josh is helping her change the oil in her car, despite the fact that he _knows_ she can do it on her own. he figures she wants him there so that he can’t run off when she asks, “you _actually_ like tyler?”

“… yes? you called me out on it already. are you really shocked by it?” he uncaps the bottle of oil as he waits for her response.

“i just—i wasn’t expecting you to just… _go for it_ so soon. i figured it’d be a few more years, at least.”

“i went to a few therapy sessions and we’ve kind of been doing stuff for… what? seven months? seven months of fucking your best friend and two therapy sessions can do a lot for an aggressively repressed gay man.” he shrugs. he starts pouring oil. “my therapist told me that it was okay to let myself have things, and that if i liked tyler, then i should go for it. i _really_ fucking like tyler, so. i’m going for it. i’m trying to stop punishing myself for feeling romantic and sexual feelings towards men. it’s a long, hard process, but i’m doing it.”

“i mean… the two of you seem happy,” she muses. “you’re happy with him, right?”

josh nods. “very. i haven’t really been in a relationship with someone where it wasn’t onesided on the other person’s end. if anything… it makes sense that it’s him.”

“it’s like the plot to a trashy movie,” she jokes. she’s laughing. josh is closing the hood on her car. “finding out you’re gay because you fell in love with your gay roommate. i’d totally buy tickets to see it.”

josh cracks a half grin, and tosses the oil bottle into the wheelie bin, before letting jenna hold the door open for him so he can go wash his hands.

*

josh accidentally comes out to his parents.

he’s over at their house for dinner, since he hasn’t been in awhile, and since it’s the only time any of them are free around mother’s day.

he’s helping his mom put away leftovers when it happens.

he’s sliding a casserole into the fridge when his phone starts ringing. it’s sitting on the counter, and she tells him that it’s tyler.

she doesn’t ask him why there’s a sparkling heart emoji after his name.

tyler asks him to pick up a bottle of lube, a bag of off-brand captain crunch to refill one of the cereal containers, a box of condoms, and maybe a four pack of red bull. josh tells him to just text the list to him, because he’s not going to remember, and when he hangs up the phone, he says, “i’ll see you later, babe,” without thinking about it. he may or may not also say, _“mwah,”_ when tyler makes a kissing noise at him from the other end of the phone.

he crams his phone back into his sweatshirt pocket, and he’s reaching for the box of cling wrap when his mom asks him if he and tyler are together.

she doesn’t sound mad but she doesn’t sound happy about it either.

josh freezes up anyways, though, because he wasn’t planning on having this conversation.

he knows it’s a bad response when having the intentions of trying to cover his ass, but he asks, “what constitutes as together?” without looking up at her.

“ _josh.”_

unimpressed. she’s not buying it.

jordan passes by the kitchen and josh can hear him stop in the hallway when he says, “if loving each other and doing things that couples typically do counts as being together, then… i’d say so, yes.”

“you’re _gay?_ _”_ that’s not a good tone. it’s not.

josh takes a few shaky breaths, the kind someone does before crying. he manages not to cry. “yeah.” there’s tears in his eyes and his voice cracks but the tears don’t fall. “i’m sorry. please don’t hate me.”

josh hates that he’s thirty and that he feels so fucking _small._

his mom walks out of the kitchen and josh doesn’t finish putting leftovers away before grabbing his keys and his jacket before going home.

*

josh gets the things tyler asked him to get, and he’s sitting in his car having a moment to panic when jordan texts him to tell him that he talked to their parents, and that he should come back, that they’re not mad. he also mentions that he threw himself under the bus too.

josh goes back.

his mom fucking _cries,_ because she cries and everything, and josh cries too.

she tells him that she doesn’t hate him, that she’d never hate him.

his dad expresses the same sentiments, albeit without the crying.

*

tyler holds him when he goes home.

tyler tells him that he loves him and josh says he loves him too.

*

josh _officially_ outs himself on facebook, of all places.

his parents know, and his friends know, so he doesn’t see the harm in changing his profile picture to a picture of himself and tyler where tyler’s kissing his cheek and he looks the happiest he’s ever looked. the caption on it reads, _“catch my gay ass crying in the club over the love of my life.”_

there’s one or two people who aren’t happy about it, but they’re unimportant and he blocks them.

everyone else is happy for them and josh feels at ease.


End file.
